sometimes I still don't want to be ok without you

Picture of a Lifetime Movie - by Suzanne Pullen

Thank you Suzanne for sharing the beautiful video!

More Comfortable

The tides of grief rise and fall. Some days it stays away, and for a moment I feel normal. Other days, it comes like a tidal wave, completely engulfing.
Sometimes its triggered by questions or comments made by others. But for some reason, recently this has gotten somewhat easier.

This week I was asked by the lady who rang up my lunch, "Whens the big day?" I was pleased to answer "June 11th", even while anticipating her response. "Is this your first child? or second, or third?" I told her quite comfortably, "This is not my first child but I have no living children, so this one is very special." The words came with ease, love and assurance.
Typically I have found myself hiding my belly so as to avoid the inevitable conversation. I had not been eager to share because I had not been ready to answer the questions.

Today a friend asked me about my tattoo. This has actually been something that has helped in conditioning me to tell my story. I am so happy to share about Avery. In some ways I wish I had the tattoo on my forehead so that people would ask me about him all the time.

Invisible Snowfights

Wishing I was playing in the snow with my sweet little boy.

Baby Rivas

Last week was a tough one! With the angelversary of Everett and also learning of a friend's loss, my heart is heavy. In an effort to bring some comfort and joy to myself and to my friend I made some more Angel Baby Jewelry. 

Angel Baby Birthstones on Etsy
20% of proceeds go to Star Legacy Foundation - Stillbirth Research and Education

Angel "Baby Rivas" Necklace on Etsy

This is a tribute to my friend's little one. Lots of love and prayers to you and your family, sweet mama! 

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

Everett - January 19th, 2013

A year ago today I lost my second child, Everett. I only carried him for 8 short weeks but he refilled me with a sense of hope. Only months after our first loss, it was happening again. I thought I had prepared myself for the 6 month mark of losing Avery but I found myself on the floor again. How. Could. This. Be.

I am still in shock. You move forward but you never move on. I still cant believe that this is my path.

I am thrilled to feel a beautiful new life growing inside of me. But nothing, nothing can replace my first two sons. I love them with all my heart! And they will never be forgotten.

Capture Your Grief: Day 23 - Tattoo

Today, Avery would be 15 months old. It has really hit me recently that we aren't just missing out on him being a baby anymore. We missed his first words, we missed him trying his first foods, we missed him taking his first steps, by now we would probably be chasing him all over the place. We're no longer just grieving the loss of our baby but the loss of out toddler, the loss of our little growing man! I miss you ever minute, sweet little Avery! 

Capture Your Grief: Day 15 - Wave of Light

Today is October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

I light a candle to help create a continuous wave of light around the world. 

Love to Avery Malcolm Whitlow!!!

Capture Your Grief: Day 8 - Colors

Orange and Turquoise were the colors we decorated Avery's room with. 

I will always think of him any time I see Chevron or Giraffes.

Capture Your Grief: Day 6 - Ritual